My gentle kick into reality

There is nothing like a New Year to kick you into a reality check and a few days into my 23rd year I've well and truly been kicked!

I've been so depressed and moping around since Christmas because I've felt sick with 'that thing I've got that I never stop talking about' and I really couldn't give a beep what people have to say anymore.

I've had depression on top of everything else for as long as I can remember now.  I am not going to be totally unrealistic and tell you I am proud of having it but I will tell you that I am not ashamed.   I was diagnosed with it at 17 and have never truly shook it off.  Before I was diagnosed I did always think it was something that happens to people in films and programs on the tele... it is real and it does consume you - if you let it.

Sorry if I speak about hospital appointments and being in pain a lot of the time but it is what my life is at the moment! I have a really painful condition, I've wrote about what is going on with my joints a lot but I am not here to have a competition with you about 'my backs badder than your back', I'm here to get it off my chest, I'm not saying it's the hardest thing in the world because it's not, but it's what I'm going through at the moment, who are people to tell me what I can and can't talk about?

I know there is nothing worse than an unhappy person but what can I do lol. I'm in pain all the time sorry my leg isn't decapitated for your entertainment! *inserts pic*

I have decided to nip the cause of pain in the bud. I am steering well clear of Facebook.

I worked out I am forever trying to prove I am happy as Larry to everyone to fit in and that's what is making me depressed.

I am no longer going to pretend to be something I'm not just to please others because when I actually do feel happy that doesn't feel real either!

So, I have decided that it's the right time for a 100% detox of all the bull poopie in my life that I CAN control, this will make the things I can't control such as my illnesses easier to deal with.

I used to look up to so many people as a kid and now I don't even know why? People change and it isn't always for the best, but I am old enough and ugly enough to know when to move on.

So here's to a new me, happier and for that reason alone healthier!

x

Bikini o clock!

Ahh I did something really naughty on Tuesday and went and had a sun bed.  I know it's really bad for you but I craved a holiday and it was the cheapest alternative.

I made a huge mistake by doing 9 minutes, I am burnt to a crisp! I'm really red and I never burn on sunbeds... whoops!

So anyway while I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself I am watching Sun, Sea and Suspicious Parents and am now in a holiday mood, maybe minus the alcohol, sun burn and madness lol

So here are the bikini's I would get if I was actually going lol

I picked them all from Gilly Hicks I got 1 from there for my holiday last year to Egypt and it was my favourite one, these are all from the 'Triangle' range, perfect for boobs not too big yet not so teeny they don't exist :-) they are quite pricey mind, I have always felt terrible splashing out so much money on so little material...

Are any of you off on holiday this year? any ideas on what bikini's you'd get?

L.Ux

2012 July - Sept

July - In July I discovered 50 Shades of Grey.  I love to read books and it was great to break away from the Vampire genre.  I'm sure you all know what it's all about!

Eventually my appointment with the Rheumatology department came along.  I had to prance around in my underwear in front of a doctor, bending this way, bending that way, stretching up, stretching down.  I was super happy that I still had a sun tan but kicking myself for wearing green knickers and a red bra lol.  I don't even know why this thought crossed my mind... I guess I don't prance around in my underwear in front of strange men that often.

I was diagnosed with Joint Hyper Mobility Syndrome, this explained all the weird aches and pains, my IBS, headaches, asthma and even my depression as well as a million and one other things.  I was really happy I had finally got a diagnosis but after learning the ignorance people get towards it as a sufferer I felt really crappy.

My Mum held back some of the horrible facts from me but I ended up finding them out.  Difficulty having babies, sometimes it leaving you wheel chair bound or worse harming the baby as you cannot carry it for the full term.  This hit me the hardest as my dream ever since I can remember was to have my own little family.  I wish I was one of the sufferers that never experienced pain and could just laugh about the fact they were double jointed and could dislocate their joints at ease for a party trick but I wasn't.  He put me on the list for an ultra sound scan and I was left waiting for a new appointment.

Later into July I got my Contraceptive Implant removed from my arm.  The doctors said this could be the cause of all my pains.  I was willing to believe anything so got it out and omg it got stuck and she had to stitch me up because she had to slice me more than normal. Why me?! I have a totally weird scar now lol.

August - August came and went, I was still in pain and no where near finding any sort of pain relief.  Of course with all the pain and sleepless nights I was still out of work.  I was referred to physio and because my GP swore that it was the only thing that would help my HMS I did it.  Writing this now in January 2013 I am still looking for just a light bit of pain relief.  I can't help but feel let down by the NHS.  I know they can't cure something incurable but they could give me just a little bit of support.  I had been out of work at this point well over 6 months and still not entitled to any help.  I'd lost my home because of a lack of money.  I'm not expecting something for nothing but I see people on Jeremy Kyle every day doped up to their ears in drugs and yet myself, a perfectly respectable human with a genuine medical condition is ignored.  Why did I bother working for so long to pay my taxes before I got ill, why did my Mum? why did my Mum's mum? it makes me sick.

I also completely lost track of June.  For some reason I thought I was God Mother to my Dad's, wife's, daughters, son in August so excuse the late picture!

my first night out since May was in August too.  It was only the Slug and Lettuce for my friends now ex boyfriend but it had been a while so I was happy I still had sun kissed skin from Egypt and was also secretly glad the venue had seats!  I had just had all my hair cut off so was feeling really happy in my looks for once in my life!

2012 April - June

April - April the first is my boyfriends mums birthday and she had a party at the same place I had, had my 21st Birthday fancy dress in 2011.

It was a great distraction for what was going on in our life at that moment and Joe was in his element as now we were out of the flat he had some money to spend on booze.  He got ridiculously drunk and he ended up sending me home in a cab on my own.  I was not impressed and he did end up coming with me lol.

 

I'd finally had a break through at the doctors about my aches and pains and had been referred to the Rheumatology Department, my appointment in true NHS fashion was however not until July.  The weather began to get a little better but not much after all I live in England!  However the warm weather I discovered as the year went on helped with my pains.  I started using sun beds again and I don't know why but if I shut my eyes and really, really used my imagination (it doesn't take me much) I felt like I was on a beautiful summers holiday.

I really cannot remember much else about April 2012.  I looked through my camera pictures to jog my memory and I think I took 3 photos in total and one of them was of my nieces thumb as she wanted me to show the world she had a plaster on it lo.

May - May brought some warmerish weather, again nothing spectacular happened this month that was particularly memorable.

We did go to South End for the day with our friends Shaun and Jasmine which was nice, everyone loves a bit of Sea air!

later on in the month my friend Hayley turned 20 and we went to the Essex famous Faces night club!  It was amazing, I hadn't been out like this for so long, I used to love being the center of a party and we were lucky enough to get the same table as the TOWIE lot in their 2nd Series music video, I don't care what anyone thinks or says but we were all really happy when we sat there lol.

here's the annoying music video if you haven't seen it already :p

June - June had to be my favourite month.  We scrimped and scraped together to go on the holiday of a life time.  The heat did me the world of good and I get so depressed knowing I am not waking up there now!

I will let the photos speak for themselves...

Egyptian Spa

Chilling at the water park

Soho Square

Spa time

Sharm El Sheikh, worlds cheapest cocktails!

The pool

We got a McDonald's delivery lol

Charlie Chaplin!

Lilo :)

I got such a bad sunburn on my head!

Reading my book :)

Salty water spa treatment

On the VIP cruise

In my element

snorkelling!

Calm before the storm! or the wave machine...

Me and the boyfriend x

This made me ill lol don't do it if you have asthma!

'I'm on a boat!'

Dinner time :)

Sun bathing!

Looking red on our first night

Quad biking

First day

Lilo fun

Soho Square

:)

No pain = lots of smiles!!!

In the desert

my boobies keeping me afloat!

Egypt was amazing :)

2012 Jan - March

I decided to do a post summing up 2012, it's not been the most fantastic year for me and would have been more suitable if it was published maybe on the 31st of December 2012, I did start in on this date but I didn't complete it... I guess this is my way of tucking what happened away and getting ready for 2013.  I didn't realise I would write so much so have decided to split it into 4 different posts.  Here's my year.....

January - January was my boyfriends Joe's birthday. He turned 22. We threw a little get together in our flat with Hayley, Jack, Robert, Blondie, Toni, Shaun and Jasmine. We then went to Luxe in Essex and my cousin Robert kindly bought me a bottle of white wine. I then don't remember much else but was told I was carried out of the club by the bouncer. Not like me at all. I haven't drank since either!

lol I went over board with the fake tan.  As a natural blonde who had dyed her hair it still didn't sit well lol

 I blame the fact there were no seats in Luxe and the fact I'd only the day before escaped the most awful job ever. I was in an apprenticeship for £100 per week. The wage was so low because I was contracted to go to college once a week on a Friday. I loved it, the college work was intense but I made so many new friends, it was a sacrifice I was willing to take to get my foot in the door of the film industry. However my boss gradually showed her true colours. Sending me on near impossible tasks like, finding a set of screw drivers in Oxford Circus and sending me to Argos to return her shopping bought on credit card. On my third attempt she told me to just forge her signature! I was not happy. Would you be?

Eventually she began to ask me to skip college to do her work while she went to the cinema and posh restaurants... (I did the accounts so I know!)

Trying to pay for transport to and from work, a flat in London and trying to eat on £100 was certainly a challenge. It made me so ill I actually thought I was going to die. I was already experiencing weird, uncomfortable pains all over my body and throwing up every night all night wasn't making life easy.

I went to the doctors and my Mum made me print off some of the emails my demon boss had sent me. My Mum couldn't get her head round how she'd had the nerve to put some of this stuff in black and white. One email that shocked both my Mum and my doctor in particular was one of her asking me to miss college again (breach of contract) saying there was too much work to do with her being out of the office (it's not an apprenticeship if I'm there by myself all the time - breach of an apprenticeship) and then she asked me to use up my annual leave or I'd lose it! Too much work for college but I needed to take my annual leave? Excuse my language but what a fead huck! My doctor signed me off for a month for stress and all the lovely symptoms you get with it.

One month was my notice period I would have to give if I chose to resign, so I did. A huge relief lifted off of my shoulders. No longer did I have to guesstimate all of my work because she never provided me with budgets to organise the most ridiculous events on my own, I never had to sit in a cold office with no windows on my own ever again!  I however had the horrible thought of a nasty reference. Thank god I'd already had 2 previous jobs that could vouch for me being a hard, dedicated worker!

February - February dragged on after January. I am normally quite happy in February as my birthday is the first week. However January's events were still looming over me and myself and my boyfriend had no money as everything I'd saved up was going on the flat and everything he'd earned the month before went on paying all the bills. We had no luxuries like Sky and internet. Our flat was also damp so I dreamt of having a dryer as no matter how I tried to dry our clothes washing it just smelt damp and mouldy! We however loved having our own space and did not want to be defeated! I had a pretty uneventful birthday, which is rare for me but I was happy with the fact we had our own flat and was desperately looking for a new job.  It did however snow on my birthday so we built a snow man!

  Late February a letter came through our door. Our rent was going up to £800 and they wanted to know if we would be renewing our lease. £800? Are they having a laugh? We already pay out more than £300 for the council tax, gas, electric and food! It's only a 1 bedroom flat and damp! We came to the hard decision that we had to leave our first home on the last day of March. Although our boiler continually broke, it was damp and our neighbours were always high on weed and giving us ag, it was our home and my heart still breaks a little now thinking of it.

March - March. This was the last month we had in the flat. We savoured every moment. I remember the day we returned our keys. I lay on the sofa with Joe before we took them back. I've always been sentimentally weird and it just felt like the right thing to do, enjoying our last moments in those little 4 walls together was how we both said goodbye.

I moved back into my Mum's after being kicked out 10 months before and Joey went back to his mums. It did feel like we were going backwards in life but I focused on the important things like not having to pay out all that ridiculous amount of money!

My Dad's friends daughter also coloured my hair back to it's natural colour, so I was back to blonde!

Mean while my mysterious pains were getting worse. In March I really started to notice that I couldn't use my right hand in the same way. Turning a tap or putting any pressure on my right thumb hurt a great deal. As did my right shoulder and hip. I'd been back and forth to the doctors; Vitamin D deficiency was one of the reasons they threw my way. This was understandable as I had been cooped up in that poky little office with no windows from dark morning to dark nights. Even with the odd trip to Oxford Circus to return the demon's shopping I don't think I got the vitamin D that was essential!

After consuming millions and millions of the wonderful vitamin I however still didn't feel any better. In fact my pains where worse and had caused my back to ache a great deal too. I was then prescribed paracetamol. *rolls eyes*