Dear 17 year old Lulu

17 was a turn around age for me, the hardest year of my life so far,  it's been hard to write it all down and brings back some memories I haven't thought about for a really long time but in a way it's therapeutic...

Here goes!

Dear 17 year old Lulu,

You're in for a tough year, you're going to find out a lot about your self and get a lot of reality checks, you are going to realise a hell of a lot about your life.

You will be 5 months into VI form and it will not get easier.

A stranger will give you advice in the form of a question that will stick with you forever, 'Why do you associate yourself with people that you've known 10 years when they are happy to slag you off to people who they've known for 10 minutes?' - At first you'll be offended because you don't want to believe your 'friends'can do that to you just to pass time... but you'll open your eyes, take a step back and smell the coffee.  Friends don't do that, bitches do.

You will be 4/5 months into your first ever relationship, you're not particularly attracted to him and you look back now and think WHATTTT? but you had never had any type of male attention before as you are and still am an ugly duckling lol but you form a friendship and become boyfriend and girlfriend in time.  All rosy at first but he treats you like crap and it makes you feel awful about yourself but you feel trapped and have no escape and stay with him because he makes you feel like there is no one else that will ever want you.

You will cry in the shower and yourself to sleep but it does get better.  Not just yet though.

You realise you need to get out of this sour relationship but you haven't got the strength, he says sorry for all he does, you lap it up every time. UNTIL you have an asthma attack in the street and he leaves you... Your phone is dead and your left alone hoping someone walks past to help you, you really cannot move and are stuck on the pavement petrified and unable to breathe.  You see someone coming, you try to ask for help then realise it is someone you used to go to school with, She STEPS over you while you lay in the street, literally over you, she pretends not to see you.  This is the lowest you get at 17, as hard as it is, you get over it because you're strong.  A good Samaritan does find you and they call you an ambulance, you're going to be okay.

You get home from the hospital after your asthma attack and you know you need to move on, you need to find the happy you again and you do in time.  It's hard and there are more tears but you do start to smile again.

You wonder why the girl stepped over you, and your friend asks her why she did it, she says 'Oh I didn't realise she was in pain?' yeah love I just lay on the pavement half conscious for fun.  ANYWAY...

You meet a nice boy called Joey and you are with him for 5 years from when I am writing this, I cannot predict the future but you are happy right now at 22.  At first you're hesitant.  You don't want to get hurt again, you are visiting a councilor and feel like a total douche bag because you have been put on antidepressants but Joey accepts you for who you are and he breathes happiness back into cold places in your heart you never even realised where cold.  You feel alive again and you are eternally grateful to him for this.

Unfortunately VI form is still around and the ex boyfriend is still in your class.  Something happens and you just cannot go back to class again.  You get into an agreement with the VI form that you can finish your A Level's at home with frequent visits to see your teachers.  A lot of rumours go around about you and your mysterious departure but you don't care, you just want your grades and you continue to blossom into a more confident woman, not totally confident but a totally different, happy person that you should have always been.

You're 18th birthday is coming up and you organise a meal for you and your whole family as you've been so low lately and your family mean the world to you.  It is a great night and you will treasure it forever as turning 18 is a special moment.  This night becomes more than just an 18th birthday meal though as this is the last time all your family will eat together.  The following week you get some bad news, your Grandad passes away.  You miss him dearly and he was the only Grandad you had and you really do think about him every day but you celebrate his life and think of him in heaven watching his favourite tv programs.  You know he wouldn't want you to be sad.

You're 18 now, life isn't easy but you must, must, must make the most of life and not dwell on the pain it throws at you, you only live once so enjoy it!

x